Friday, July 29, 2011

why you should never, ever take housekeeping advice from me

this afternoon, i pitched a dead bird over the side of the deck into the ivy, finally dumped a giant bowl full of nasty bird seed & long-dead flowers into the mixed organics cart, got out the leaf blower, and blasted all the seed and squirrel shit scattered on the deck over the edge.

clean and done. i was pretty satisfied with myself, until i realized the steps that led to me having a giant bowl of ant- and shit-filled bird seed, dead flowers, and dead animals (in my defense, i didn't put the damn bird there, but try explaining that to child protective services) on the deck.

it started weeks ago. we've got this great deck, and hanging bird feeders that really attract a lot of birds. one day in the garage i found a bag of cheap bird seed, and so moved it out there to fill up the feeders with.

unfortunately, it had a hole in it. seed started scattering all over the deck. and it turns out that birds are somewhat discerning. they completely rejected the cheap-ass seed, and i dumped out the contents of the feeder over the side of the deck and refilled it with high quality, fancy seed from the boutique bird store (which is what they were accustomed to, in all fairness, before the discovery of the cheap seed).

and poured all the remaining cheap seed into a large metal bowl to create a sort of wonderful tactile center for the young son (which he did love, for approximately 15 minutes).

that, however, was weeks ago. since then, the squirrels have discovered the local cornucopia in the form of a giant metal bowl filled with old crappy seed. they come up and have a heyday scattering seed and leaving little squirrel pellets all over.

it's also become a convenient place for me to deposit dried-up bouquets, because it's so much closer than the organics cart out in the driveway.

today, added to the collection of cheap seed, squirrel crap, and dead flowers, there was a dead bird. i don't know how it got there. slammed into the glass deck door, perhaps, and fell into the bowl. or maybe it was a bird of cheap taste, and it gorged itself to death on unlimited food.

those of you whose children i babysit will be pleased to hear that i didn't bust out the old kettle and camp stove and boil the bird to see the bones, the way we did with a half-decomposed cat we once found in the bushes. not enough time for that today! i'm nothing if not efficient. that's how i found myself chucking dead birds, dead flowers, and shitty seed over the rail and into various bushes below. and thinking that just maybe, i might have hit a new low in my housekeeping endeavors.

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